Loves me, loves me NOT!

It has been awhile since I posted in this blog, however I felt a strong desire to touch on the subject of unrequited love.  A few days have past since Valentine's Day which have allowed quite a few emotions surface.  Naturally, as a woman we have emotions and I have to be honest about it, I hate that I carry so many emotions.  However, I am learning to embrace the quality yet control them.

Last year was the year of weddings for me. I attended 3 weddings for loved ones and yes I was extremely happy and excited for them but deep down I wondered when will I receive my happily ever after.  Now as 2020 begins, it has become the year of baby showers. Between family and close friends, I have quite a few baby showers to attend.  All are deserving women who get to experience pregnancy with their partner. Wow! I know that should be the norm however it was never the norm for me when it came to both of my pregnancies. I always wanted to know how that felt to have that kind of love and support from the person you created life with.

Now back to the subject at hand,  unrequited love. Webster defines unrequited love as love not returned or rewarded.  Have you ever experienced unrequited love? I know I have and it is by far one of the most painful experiences to undergo.  There was a man that came into my life and treated me in a way I never experienced. He made me feel beautiful, sexy, wanted, appreciated, and loved. He made me feel like I was amazing the way I was yet supported my goals. I mean when you been in abusive relationships where you have been constantly criticized for everything you do, say and wear. Someone who treats you the complete opposite is like a breath of fresh air.  However, he did not want to be in a committed relationship with me and was very vocal about it.  But it was too late, I had fallen and fallen hard.  Letting go just wasn't an option for me and he continued to allow me around forming a situation-ship.

There are plenty of people out here in situation-ships with people who they know for a fact do not love them back. Situation-ships waste time that you will never get back and sets you up for even more disappointment and heartache.  Or how about being friends with someone you know you would like to be more with but they are not interested.  But you cant help how you feel and you secretly hope one day their mind will miraculously change.

Life is too short to be waiting on someone to see the value that you can and will bring to they life.  If this person recognizes your worth, more than likely it will be once you are over it.  I been there and they always want to come around when you have emotionally checked out. So here are some tips that have helped me cope when experiencing unrequited love.

1. Say goodbye to all illusions. Understand that what you want it to be and what it really is, is not the same thing.  Wake up! He has told you that he does not want to be with you. So what, he still sleeps with you. What man wouldn't still sleep with someone convenient?  You can convince yourself that eventually he will see your worth but the proof is in front of you. Pay attention.

2.  Isolate.  Yes, I said isolate. I know how it is when you are so into a person and you just want to make your presence known. You want to stay in contact. You want to see them in any way that you can. Who cares if its not a date? Who cares if it is just some text messages or casual DMs? You just want to have some type of connection the person you love. I get it but this is not healthy for you. Distance is key to get out of "unrequited love". Out of sight and out of mind is the goal.

3.  Distract Yourself.  Do what you have to do to keep yourself busy in idol moments so you wont be tempted to reach out to this person or stalk they social media. What are some things that bring you pleasure outside of this person that does not want you.  Train yourself to work on a project whenever you get tempted to reach out.  

4.  Love Yourself.  Focus on your self-care. Sit down and really write what this person you have fallen in love with brings to the table. How does he make you feel? When does she make you feel that? Once you answer these questions, ask yourself.  Do I provide myself with these things? 9 times out of 10 the answer is no. BOOM! There you have it. Confirmation to love on yourself more and apply all the things you believe she is giving you to YOURSELF.  I can almost promise you once you do that, it wont hurt anymore that he does not want you. You will realize that it is her lost and you will be open to love someone more deserving of that love.

Just because a person doesn't love you the way you love them doesn't make them a bad person. It just makes them the person that is not meant for you.  You have to coach yourself at times to remind yourself that it is OK that he doesn't want you. It is OK she doesn't recognize that you would give her all she ever wanted in a partner. Once you wholeheartedly understand your worth and your value, it becomes easier to let go. The pain is still there as with any breakup however you will be secure in knowing that it is the person's lost and not yours. 

Hmm...What do you want?

I have been officially single for a year...wow a whole year.  This is an accomplishment especially for me because I am always in a relationship or a situation-ship for as long as I could remember. Bouncing from one relationship to another or getting involved in the pointless situation-ships. Thank God for the change of pace because this time of being detached from a man has been a breath of fresh air.  I am healing and focusing on myself as well as learning more about myself.

Now that I am "single single" and have no desire in rekindling with anyone I have dated in my past, I have been getting approached in a variety of ways by different types of men who seem interested in pursuing me.  The one question that seems to commonly be asked of me is, "What do you want?"  I mean this seems like a very easy question to answer but because I want different results this time around. I tread lightly in quickly answering this question because I want to be confident and clear in my answer. 

I mean every woman wants a man that they can trust and enjoy life with. A man who respects and values them.  I want all of that and so much more. I want a king who was specifically prepared to be with me and me alone.  A protector and provider is expected but I desire a true king who will be a covering, a leader, a lover, a friend, a real father to my daughters comparable or better than the father I was blessed to raise me. That does not seem like a lot but it is for a man who has no idea of what this truly means.

I patiently wait this time around because I truly believe that as I prepare, God is also preparing my king for me. No one is perfect. We all have things with us but you have to decide what you are willing to deal with. Also not just deal with but accept with true joy. The joy that you have should not be determined by the relationship you are in however it should be even more radiant because of it.  

I am excited for what is to come as I continue to grow. I look forward to dating and getting to know different people as I wait on God's confirmation that this is the king he has for me.   Have you ever sat down and thought about what do you want? 

Ooops!

As a 34 year old, I have had my experience with birth control options.  Presently, I am using an IUD and have been on an IUD since my daughter was 4 months old and she is now 4 years old. Wow time flies and I have had absolutely no complaints. I have the Mirena.  Now this birth control option works best for me because I am horrible at remembering to take pills and I have always been afraid of the shot due to weight gain side effects. In my younger years, I tried both the vaginal ring and the patch. The patch left bad marks on my skin and my the ring gave me constant yeast infections. I never considered those options again. 

Everyone is different and all our bodies react to things differently however I understand the importance of proper birth control. It is such an uncomfortable place to be in when you are sexually active and you wind up in an unplanned pregnancy.  There comes a point in life where you have to be completely responsible for the decisions you make. We all know the risks of sex.  Pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases.  Birth control does not protect you from stds but it does protect you from unplanned pregnancy. 

I felt the need to address this after hearing from a grown behind 30+ woman that she accidentally became pregnant.  We are too old to "accidentally" get pregnant.  You knew you didn't protect yourself so you knew you had the chance to get pregnant. Simple!! So save all that drama and figure out what is the best option for you and yours.  There comes a point in life when you have to just own up to your poor decisions. Yes, I was having unprotected and risked getting pregnant. Im pregnant and now I have to deal with things accordingly. BOOM! That is what you call grown woman accountability.

Stay WOKE!

I do not know who needs to read this BUT...an inconsistent action is a consistent answer.  I learned this lesson recently or at least I can openly admit that I understood this lesson finally.  You know how it can be ladies when you believe you are in love and you finally found the one.  You give benefits of the doubt and tolerate more than you should. We have all been there at one time or another.  The key is to not stay there and to avoid putting yourself in that position again. 

Yes girl, he did it again. But remember the saying, fool me once...shame on you; fool me twice...shame on me. Now let's not forget fool me 3 times...you are just a fool. A fool in love with an undeserving fool and it is time to put yourself first and let it go. 

There is a difference between the person who makes a real effort but makes mistakes at times, and the person who has a recurring issue.  When it is continuous, that is a problem.  Even though actions speak louder than words, the actions and words must be aligned. When the actions and words do not line up, there is a problem.  A lie is being told somewhere. One way or another, it needs to be investigated and should not be ignored.

Today marks my one year anniversary of calling off my 2nd wedding to a man I actually share a 4-year old child with. Mind you, I have never been married before.  I spent 6-years with a man who I been through hell and back. So I am speaking from true experience. I been cheated on countless times, lied on and lied to, we were engaged twice and literally lost thousands of dollars from calling off my dream wedding (luckily it was more his money than mine), I been humiliated publicly, I have had children made on me by him with different women (yes I said children and different women), and I have been disrespected multiple times where he showed women where my children and I live. It hurt beyond explanation. I know the pain and I thank God for the strength to leave when it was easier to stay. I mean you always hear women complaining about there are no good men left so why not stay with the one you already know and mastered. Right? Wrong...girl stay woke. He is out there waiting on you to rid that baggage.  Only a woman who doesn't truly value herself would stay in a relationship full of toxic. I was her and I am so happy I FINALLY woke up.

Still single but I can honestly say that I am happy, at peace and excited to meet my next man.  I am finally at a point where I am healed to where I am comfortable enough to share my truth with hopes to help someone else.  My focus changed from my ex and our failed relationship to my healing and self care.  Taking a year to be single and focusing on healing from the pain and heartache is something I would suggest to anyone preparing to make a step towards their true happily ever after.  Only you will know when you are ready.

Urban Skin RX Review - Post Usage

As promised, here is my review on Urban Skin RX products that I received earlier this month. After consistent usage both morning and evening, I have to say I absolutely love these products. I did not see the change in my complexion until about 2- weeks in however people who are not usually around me noticed the even complexion as well as the glow in my skin. I was mistaken by 2 different people and 2 different times that I was wearing make-up and I was not.  That made me feel good and has motivated me to continue using the products to get the results I want.

If interested in purchasing any of the products.  

https://www.talkable.com/x/AOmb1

You will get 20% OFF your 1st purchase

Products I am presently using:

1. Clear & Even Tone Clarifying Glycolic Pads - 60 Count
2. Even Tone Cleansing Bar - 3.7 oz
3. Complexion Protection Moisturizer SPF 30 1.7 oz

My Therapy Journey

Today was a great day because I have finally found the therapist that I have been searching for. I have been on this self-care regime since I called off my wedding with my long time boyfriend and father of my 4-year old daughter almost a year ago.  The breakup hit me harder than any breakup I have ever experienced and I initiated it.  However, I knew it was the best decision for me and my children to let that relationship go.  I cried and prayed nightly for God to show me and lead to what He believes I need to do.  So God revealed to me self-care. It is now time that I focus on becoming the best possible version of myself in all areas of my life. I made a commitment to be patient with myself and my feelings because they were and are real.  So no matter how challenging things get and how tempting it may be to result to what I am used to, I promised myself that I will fight my hardest to focus on myself and my well-being. 

Now back to today,  I officially signed on for therapy with my new therapist.  My assessment was completed today with her which determined whether or not therapy was necessary and what concerns should be the focus of therapy.  I spent 45 minutes with her today and 45 minutes with her last week for a thorough assessment where she asked me a variety of questions in conversation form. OMG! When I tell you I cried my eyes out the entire time at both sessions. Whew! But it was a release cry not the cry of hurt and pain that I tend to experience every time I am not busy.

I am looking forward to what therapy holds for me and my self-care journey.  I haven't been happy in a long time. You know that peaceful happiness.  I am dedicated to doing whatever possible to experience a joy I never had. Therapy isn't the entire key to my happiness but I believe that getting help and healing from past and present hurt will play a major role. 

Here are some websites for therapists if therapy is something you are interested in doing.

www.therapyforblackgirls.com

www.psychologytoday.com

Urban Skin RX Review - Pre usage

Above is my YouTube video where I am expressing some of my excitement with trying some new skin care products from Urban Skin RX.  I found these products online after extensive research.  After a visit with my dermatologist a couple weeks ago, I was told that I have melasma on my skin.  Melasma is basically dark spots that are usually from hormonal changes from child birth and/or birth control as well as sun damage.  These dark spots are areas that I am very insecure with and Bareminerals gets hundreds of my dollars a year from the concealers and foundations that I purchase and use on the daily to hide the dark spots.  I was desperate to find a solution however was afraid to try things that I wasn't sure was safe to use.  Since I am also on this self care journey where I am intentionally taking care of not only my physical but mental and emotional well being, this was a complete no brainer for me.  The dermatologist prescribed a bleaching cream called hydroquinone to lighten the dark areas.  It is a 4% cream which after a few days of usage has proven to be too strong for my skin.  She also suggested getting a cleanser that has kojic acid which helps even the skin. Urban Skin RX has kojic acid in the cleanser and it is in fact a skin care line specifically for people with melanin skin. I am so excited to start this new skin care regime tonight and will give my full review in about a week or so.

https://urbanskinrx.com/